Messy Little Thoughts

Lately, I felt like I'm on the search engine of life.. still searching for the answer of the things I don't know. Maybe it was all about love-care-peace ? I've looking for the rest of my life.
 Almost 4 in the morning and I'm still awake.. wide awake. Sometimes I sit and when I get tired I lay in bed and staring blankly out of nowhere. I don't know what I'm doing. It feels like I'm in a dark cave searching for that speck of light. I would have to struggle through the darkness. I would have to bump myself into the walls of the cave. I would have to stumble and fall. I would have no choice but to get hurt and wanting to rip my heart out of my chest.
If I counted up all the minutes I’ve spent staring nowhere. I wonder how many years of my life that would be. Certainly more than the hours I’ve spent brushing my teeth or combing my hair. It would probably even surpass the combination of bath and shower time.

I do sometimes feel being pessimistic at times when I experience rough times and hardships. When I have encountered some bumps along my way…and feeling optimistic at times when all the positive things are happening to me. Though I know… it should be the other way around….I feel this in times when my hormones are corrupting me

I know I am not the only person in this planet earth going through those paano-nang-gagawin-ko / di-ko-na-alam-yoko-na phase/s all the time at some point.

I don’t want to keep these feelings bottled up inside me anymore. I wants to let my feelings and thoughts out of my chaotic messy mind. It’s about the random messy little things I've been bottling inside. Everything that is going through my head that I kept for a period of time. It is full of beautiful yet awful and painful thoughts and illusions, that bothering me every single night. But yea' I can't and I don't know how too; I'm a bit afraid. Afraid of what I don't know and I don't know the right words to say. Whether I like it or not, it is going on through a lot.. and it happens all the time. Sometimes it makes me happy, most of the time it makes me sad. Very sad! It’s goes like this masayang isipin pansamantala, pero habang tumatagal, mas nangingibabaw ang masakit na katotohanan. And that depression is slowly eating me up. I can’t do anything about it, except close my eyes and pretend like everything is just in my mind. And everything will be alright. Trying myself to sleep and forget everything the next day. But it’s not, it is already happening. And that’s what scares me; the fact that I might not be able to keep up because a single thought may just simply take over my being and change everything.

Seems like a blessing and a curse. I'm trying to figure it all out. All I know is that life can be shitty at times, but that’s just how it is. Things won’t always turn out the way we want it to be. I hope I can still do look at the brighter side of life. (I hope!) But my mind is already clouded with too much bitterness and incertitude. Beautiful with painful thoughts. If I could rip my heart out of my chest. I probably handle it to God and let Him heal me. So that I can get through this.
HOPE IS EVERYTHING.